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Match Reports 30.09.17


The Italians have a phrase - "strappare la sconfitta dalle fauci della vittoria". It loosely translates as "to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory". On Saturday, the Zaks did not so much snatch defeat, as buy it flowers, treat it to dinner and a show before taking it to bed for a night of passion.

Things started badly for the Zaks when star summer signing, Granger "Il Padre" Church declined to actually turn up, leaving us with a 13 man squad including the already-immobile Van Der Gaag in a leg brace and a new joiner, Tom, who essentially couldn't use one hand. To quote Harry Redknapp, the Zaks were truly "down to the bare bones" after a mixed summer transfer window. 

Fortunately, Doddsy, the man whose bones are typically accompanied by gravy and potatoes, decided that he would actually save some shots, and with new boy Seb and the ever loquacious Christophe taking control of the middle, we managed to take an early lead. THIS IS HANS and new signing Mark "Rubber" Jubber combined to put the ball past the Southgate keeper, who was noted by the Zaks as having "literally the worst chat in the world". Fortunately he was the one Southgate player who seemed determined for the Zaks to win, allowing Rubber to roll into an empty net.

However, this being the Zaks, catastrophe was only minutes away. Tom "The Trebuchet" Smith underwent a fairly major malfunction with his aerial radar, playing in the Southgate forward for a simple equaliser. He may have prevented the disaster, but his insistence on "holding the pose" meant that the bemused 'Gate striker just walked past him as he castigated himself.

Shortly thereafter, we coughed the ball up again and opted to defend by "running around in circles a bit". Southgate got wise to this tactic by simply passing to each other and then ultimately into the unguarded net, the Zaks having declined to attempt to make a tackle inside their own D.

However, Macca has been working on his drag-flicks almost as hard as he has been working on his personality, as he seeks to convince a member of the Ladies' 5th XI that he is a normal human being. Whilst the latter is probably a lost cause, the drag-flicks are actually quite good now and he levelled us up before the half-time whistle. 2-2.

Stand-in captain Paul Dickson then echoed his idol and favourite Prime Minister with some Churchillian oratory at half-time, though managed to avoid any references to the vital role that Sir Winston played in the Anglo-Irish treaty of 1921 because it doesn't fit his or the Guardian's narrative. 

Dicko's words actually seemed to do the trick however, as within moments of the second half, we'd scored twice. Rubber took advantage of some generous umpiring and ironically, a lack of protection, to play in Seb for a 3-2 lead, before Nick finally put away one of his 13 chances to provide an excellent cushion for the Zaks.

It was Czech football personality Josef Csaplar that first put forward the theory that "2-0 is a dangerous scoreline", which in the Czech Republic is known as Csaplar's trap (CzechCsaplárova past). However, if a 2-0 lead is a dangerous scoreline, 4-2 is a positively terminal one for this Zak Hond team, who for the second game in succession fell into the "Pearson Ravine", contriving to blow a two goal lead yet again. 

First, Spoony took a stick to the head, or in the words of the strenuously-appealing-and-yet-apparently-magnanimous Southgate forward, he "put his head where my stick was". "Head height" was what most people would call it. Losing our defensive lynch-pin was bad enough, but things went from bad to worse when Nick was slide tackled, Danny Tiatto style, on the edge of the D. Given Nick would have struggled to hit a cow's arse with a banjo on Saturday, it's unclear why Southgate bothered tackling him at all, but his X-rated response to the challenge saw him green-carded.

Southgate took full advantage, scoring once when the Zaks were down to 10, and then shortly after Nick's return. They continued to hammer away as Doddsy made an improbable number of saves, culminating in a last minute short-corner to Southgate. T-Bag wasn't too worried, thinking we were still 4-3 up, but the rest of the team were aware that the game was on the line. Unfortunately, despite a fluffed injection and an initial Doddsy save, the ball was bundled over by the Southgate forward to seal the win, 5-4.

Our day ruined, the Zaks then started trying to ruin it for everyone else. Having secured a large quantity of Beef flavoured Hula Hoops and several rounds of Sambuca, the lads then eventually made their way to New Joiners. Macca, in his role as host for the evening, was unable to speak (or indeed do anything except sweat profusely), Doddsy and T-Bag took on the Men's 3s in a rancorous game of Beer-pong. Doddsy then declined to do a forward roll of any kind, which put a dampener on the evening for most people.

All in all, a fairly classic Zaks day out. Hockey that ranged from the exceptional to the comical, reflected in the post-game performances. We wouldn't have it any other way. Roll on next week.

MoM - Dodds. Busy this week.

DoD - Nick. Truly lamentable finishing.

Result: Hampstead 4 - 5 Southgate


Mens 2s

How good can a team be? Not as good as the Mens 2s.

Wimbledon are renowned for being a team that has depth, class and will never be easy beats.

Well, forget that idea as the Magoos of H&W decided to absolutely put on a show.

A home fixture at Bren Cross aka “the depression factory” meant the lads weren’t too impressed. That married with the lack of umpires and the performance from last week meant this game was off to a poor start. Needless to say, first whistle sounded and it changed instantly.

The first half was essentially a training drill for the 2s and if it had not been for an abysmal corner display and a disallowed goal by fan favourite David ‘Judge’ Cooper, this game would have been put to bed within the first 15. Full team display with all 14 men putting on a clinic

Andrew ‘Red Mist-less’ Simpson was controlling the midfield like only a pesky man with small man syndrome could. Aaron ‘The Wall’ Hudson was making easier work of the tripe that Wimbledon served up compared to his trips to church, and Andrew ‘Marathon’ Murie showed that his lack of any recent hockey whatsoever wouldn’t hinder his performance. A tap in for both Josh ‘8.5s, half a pint’ Kelly and Hugh ‘Hesitation’ Bushell with a penalty flick from Neil ‘Tumbler’ Hamilton saw the half time score 3-0.

More comic moments that stood out were both Hammo falling over himself and Wooly getting bowled over by a man/boy who looked like he had been brought up from the U16s. Real captain display.

Oh and the M2s were giving Wimbledon a proper bath. That was probably another highlight.

After another good half time talk by Half-Time Hammo and a delicious batch of Valencia oranges provided by Supreme Leader, the lads went back onto the pitch with maybe a bit too much air in their tyres.

A couple too many touches, a few weak passes and an ever tiring set of legs were the reasons this game didn’t end in a blood bath.

One of the better moments in the 2nd half came when Charlie ‘Krum’ Young decided to put a lovely slide past a bamboozled yet parked Wimbledon bus onto the open stick of our NZ friend Hugo. This put the game out of reach with the score ending 4-2.

The best of the 2s is just unreal.

MoM – ?

DoD – ?

Play of the day – Coops umpiring and the sweet satisfaction he felt by sending off Neil Hamilton.

Result: Hampstead 4 - 2 Wimbledon


Ladies 5s

Another away game for the Diamonds, who visited tricky West Hampstead 3's with a few absentees. Thank you to Chenoa & Pip for joining us. After a difficult first half that ended goalless, Eefje was ready to give us her words of wisdom and snacks this time! Despite her wise words, Eefje earned dick of the day by managing to achieve the impossible... receiving a green card from our own empire Wendy! 

Once again, the Diamonds put on a better performance in the second half and were rewarded with a goal from Anske. Thanks to a defensive effort, Ella's great goalkeeping skills and a last minute top right corner save from Bella, we maintained a clean sheet, resulting in a 1-0 victory.

MOM - Bella 

DOD - Eefje

Result: Hampstead 1 - 0 West Hampstead


Mens 5s

Following their 5-1 loss in the season’s opener, the 5s had a tough fixture against Wayfarers 3s this weekend. Perhaps more intriguing than the match itself was how Robin could possibly have been so late for the warm up, for the second week running. To avoid such future mishaps, the team have kindly clubbed together to get him a 24-carat (ahem, plastic) Casio for presentation this weekend. Apparently, bets have already been placed that he won’t be able to tell the time, though. Talking clock for Christmas?

But yes, the hockey match itself; it was a somewhat frustrating affair on the Tiger. The 5s started the match positively enough, shifting play around the back well and with Nish picking the forwards out with some juicy aerials. The first real chance of the match came when the Wayfarers left back, with Thunder running at him, lunged in to sweep the ball away. One cheeky dink over the defenders stick and the great locomotive was almost into the oppo’s D. It was at this point that he selflessly slinged the ball across to Gray who was steaming in towards the penalty spot. The resulting connection (somewhat predictably) flashed by the far post; one cannot help but think that if Gray hadn’t been growing out his ridiculous barnet (complete with Elvis-esque side burns) in the Caribbean, the result may have been different and the game could have set off on a different trajectory.

The game ebbed and flowed for the remainder of the first half, with both teams making good progress up the pitch, but failing to be clinical when it mattered within the D. In amongst the play was some strong link up work between Marcus, Gianni and Robin; sadly though, they were often thwarted by equally strong defensive play. Eventually, Wayfarers were the first to score from a penalty corner, which rather annoyingly was anything but special.

After the break Hampstead did string some lovely hockey together, which culminated in an attack that former 5s captain, Dog, would have been proud of. It was the kind of hockey he had always wanted us to play, but sadly never really came to fruition under his leadership. No, I’m joking Dog, we all miss you and your wondrous half time team talks. Out with Callous Caldwell, long live King Dog! Sorry, I digress. Let’s get back to the goal: The 5s essentially caught Wayfarers on the break and zapped the ball up the pitch (via the right wing) to Marcus in the D who reverse hit the ball straight into a Wayfarers defender in line with the goal. Penalty stroke, then. The stroke had to be taken at the other end of the pitch due to the not insubstantial lunar crater that was apparently claiming to be one of the Tiger’s P spots. Nish coolly put the ball into the top corner; never in doubt. Unfortunately, the goal was quickly neutralised by an absolutely stunning undercut into the top corner by the Wayfarers right back. Nothing any GK could have done about that one. Pushing to get back into the match, unfortunately Hampstead conceded a third goal, which pretty much wrapped up the match. 3-1, to the away team, the final score.

Given they were missing two holding midfield players and a recognisable wing back, this was actually quite a promising outing by the 5s, with plenty to look forward to during these early season games. Next week sees an intra-league clash with the 4s at 3PM on the Water. One for the neutrals and quite possibly Robin, if he turns up on time.

Result: Hampstead 1 - 3 Wayfarers


Ladies 7s

Watching the L1s play before our game really pumped us up to take on Teddington L5s, despite the inevitable plethora of ligament injuries to come from playing on the tiger turf. We were, in fact, so pumped, that Jenny managed to nearly take out our goalie before the game even started! Special mention actually, to MJ, for (on her birthday weekend) being at a game in Southgate for 9 and coming straight to us after, complete with water bottle full of Berocca to help soothe her…dehydration…

It appeared as if we were picking off the oppo as they dropped off one by one with varying age related and Sophie induced injuries, and two bully offs and 2 goals later, we had won against this bizarre mix of quite aggressive senior citizens and ridiculously speedy young forwards, counteracting their game strategy of hitting the ball as hard as they could in any direction with our slick one-twos and great team work.

Louise had a great first game, gallantly stepping in for defence in the second half when it became apparent that Nisrine wasn’t going to grace us with her presence, having forgotten to set her watch back to GMT and turning up 10 minutes before the end of the game, ready to go out. (DOD)

Kim was our MOM, once again managing to be everywhere, without looking tired AT ALL, being a great connection between mid and forward.

With 2 wins in a row, this places us at the top of our league by two points! 

Result: Hampstead 2 - 0 Teddington


Mens Vets

And so farewell Hans Meurer, we wish you well in your next chapter back in Holland but will miss your passion and hockey skills. Sorry we could n’t deliver a good win to send you off but it was always going to be a tough afternoon with so many regulars unavailable. We did have a serious conversation about conceding the game but thanks to Monk, Esi and Antoinne doubling up from the Hammers we got 11 men out on the field with one reserve. “Who knows”, we thought, “maybe Wimbledon were struggling for numbers as well?”

They weren’t. 15 of them were warming up and they were at full strength. So players were spread out in unfamiliar positions with a plan to clog up the midfield, defend deep and try and catch them on the break. If we could get to half time on equal terms maybe we could snatch a point. And we managed to do this! Wimbledon got ahead first from a fine angled shot, but the defence was holding up well and Patrick and Antoine were creating some openings up front and we managed an equaliser from a deflection off Jay (don’t ask which part of him?) to make it 1 – 1 at half time.

Things were looking good and we even dominated the first five minutes of the second half but as Monk limped towards the dug out injured, the fatigue began to show and we made a few mistakes gifting them a couple of goals and missing the rare chances we created for ourselves.

6 – 1 in the end to last year’s league winners and probably a contender to win again this year. So, despite the loss I felt it was a performance to be proud of – certainly pleased that we turned up and no-one left anything on the field (apart from a bit of skin and some blood).

MOM: Francois. (Monk was close but early retirement robbed him of the accolade)

DoD: A two-way tie between Monk and Ben (the latter for an impressive half time team talk but failure to follow own advice.)

Scorer: Jay

Result: Hampstead 1 - 6 Wimbledon Masters


Mens Supervets

A pleasant morning for a 10:45 start away at Tring

For some complicated reason on an away fixture we provided both umpires from the GM in order to allow Tring 11 players on the pitch. Thanks GM's

We started with 3 Dick's ,2 Charlie's and 2 Marc's but still managed to get into our stride playing into the Sun and raced to an early 2-0 . Then a bit of a break as we wasted several good opportunities but some credit must go to their keeper who was playing very well

At H-T we turned around at 2-0 and a change of shirts which upset the rhythmic movement of the team. Still we got our third and then relaxed and let in a goal from a dubious decision which will not be dwelt on as our umpire confirmed he wanted to even up the match

Back to cricket club for some beer and then on to St Albans to assist GM's mauling St Albans.

Scorers - RJ , PT and MF

Result: Hampstead 3 - 1 Tring


A poem from the Ladies 1s from the previous week by Lauren Turner

As this match report is a little late, I thought I'd write a poem as a review of Ladies 1s vs Southgate!

With both coaches absent Cress 'manager extraordinaire' stepped in, substitutions printed and prepared for a win!

Our captain AB was also away, not exactly what you want on your first game day!

Nevertheless this team is strong! Three points up for grabs - bring it on!

Two teams on the pitch but Hampstead dominated; I think the stats are at over 40 circle entries created!

Annabelle 'lost my keys' Driver opened the scoring with a classic PC routine that never gets boring!

1-0 it remained for a little too long, the second goal finally coming in minute 61

Slotted away calmly by striker Joyce, as goal scorers come she's like a Rolls Royce!

Credit to their keeper she played very well but two minutes later another goal befell!

This time Hayley from a penalty corner, and a flick awarded minutes later for a foul on Fleur Horner.

Joycey stepped up and top left the ball went! 'Lekker goaltje' you could say - that's a dutch compliment!

4-0 it finished although it could have been more, but 3 points in the bag - the most important thing for sure!

I must also mention Kate got pooed on by a bird! I'm not sure I'd be writing the match report if everyone had heard!!

- Lauren Turner

HWHC M1s kick off 2017/18 in the Men’s National Premier League vs Brooklands MHC

Kwan Browne will start his second campaign in charge of HWHC Men's 1st team tomorrow, welcoming Brooklands to Paddington Recreation Ground for a 1.30pm pushback. Kwan and the side hope to build on and improve on last year's highest ever finish in the premier league of 4th. In addition to the previous announcement of GB International Harry Martin, we are pleased to welcome to the squad Jonny Gooch of Wales, Will Byas from Beeston, Jamie Legg from Richmond, Josh Kelly from Birmingham Uni and Kyle White from Banbury. We welcome any support that can come out tomorrow for the Men and are eagerly awaiting the start of the season.

*This season HWHC is pleased to have partnered with Hawkinsport and Specialist Sports Shoes to be playing in Adidas kit and Hawkinsport shirts.

HWHC L1s announces strengthened squad to compete for top spot in Conference East

Hampstead & Westminster Hockey Club Ladies 1s (HWHC) is excited and ready to start their 2017/18 campaign in the Investec National League Conference East. 

After two successful seasons in the National League Conference East, HWHC L1s is pleased to have added further depth to its squad. HWHC is delighted to welcome to the club Team GB London Olympian Emily Maguire, who joins  from Holcombe; Lauren Turner, who settles back into the UK after six years playing in the top leagues in The Netherlands, Australia, New Zealand and Spain; and current Scottish and Rio GB Cycle international Sarah Robertson, moving down from Edinburgh Uni.

Further additions to the 20 squad are Meg Byas coming over from Beeston, Melanie Wilkinson, returning from injury and previously at the University of Birmingham, and Anna Middendorf who joins from the University of Connecticut in the US. 

Mike Delaney, starting his second year as HWHC L1 Head Coach, said: “The strengthening of the squad is in line with the club’s aim to continue to professionalise and become a real performance team and club. The new players add real value across the different lines and it has been great to see our standard in games and training being lifted. I look forward to kicking-off our 2017 – 2018 campaign against Southgate this Saturday and the season in general, where we will enjoy the challenge the league presents and push to compete for the top spot.” 

For the second year, Mike will be ably supported by club Director of Hockey Richard Smith. We also wish to thank Jo Edmonson for her fantastic efforts in the role of Manager for the past two seasons and now welcome Cressida Grant, long term HWHC L1s player, to the role. 

Annebeth Wijtenburg, HWHC Ladies 1s Captain, added ahead of tomorrow: “I am very excited for the start of this season. We had a very successful pre-season, working with all the existing girls and integrating the new players, who have brought further depth and strength across the team. At HWHC we not only focus on strengthening the team with talented individuals but look to add real team players on and off the pitch. All the new girls are great fits for the team and the club, which means we haven’t just lifted our standards but we will continue to have fun and play as a tight nit and strong unit.” 

HWHC Social dates for your diaries!


The season kicks off with teas and drinks at The Queens Arms and then onto Bokor (formerly known as the Betsy Smith) where we have our own area booked from 9pm.



A night in honour of our new joiners this season. A compulsory night for newbies and oldies alike we reckon! Teas and drinks at The Warrington after games where we will then start the fun with beer pong and other games. After party tbc.



Of course it wouldn't be a HWHC season without some pub golf. Details to come soon but get this date in the diary!

HWHC Launch Slate App for Match Fees


A new way to pay your match fees!

This season, we will be using the Slate app (https://slateapp.co.uk/) which offers the Club the ability to create a direct debit payment request if you don’t pay by cash. You then authorise this request using the free app and your match fees are taken from your account automatically.

In the coming weeks you will receive an email invite from Slate, inviting you to download and register with Slate. It takes two minutes to do so and would appreciate you getting this done by the first game if possible. If you have any problems with getting set up on Slate, please email help@Slateapp.co.uk for assistance.



Can I not just pay cash?

Whether you choose to use the app is entirely up to you, if you prefer to pay cash you can still do so. But we’re hoping most of you will recognise the convenience of paying via the Slate app and not having to drive past the cash point on the way to the game.

Is it secure / does the club get my bank details?

Slate partners with Gocardless, which is a known electronic payment provider similar to Paypal. The systems are secure and encrypted to international standards. All payment is dealt with by Gocardless, the Club and Slate do not access your bank account.

Can the club take money without my permission?

No, the system works by sending you a request to authorise the payment, which you do via the free app on your phone. If the request isn’t authorised then no payment is made.

Is this going to cost me anything?

No, there is a transaction fee, but the club will be absorbing this and not passing it on to members.

It all sounds very complicated and I’m really not very good with technology!

The system is actually pretty simple, however we appreciate not everyone is as comfortable with technology as others. If you are struggling to get set up just email help@slateapp.co.uk and they will help you.

Will match sheets go away entirely?

No, we still need to know who is playing games and scoring goals so we can celebrate at the end of the season. Just the match fee collection part is changing which should match sheets a lot easier.

Robin Francis

We are sorry to report that Robin Francis has passed away. Robin was a long-standing and popular member of HWHC, most particularly as a player in the Tivoli Road days.


Robin's funeral will be at Golders Green Crematorium, 60 Hoop Lane, London NW11 7NH, at 2pm on Thursday 17th August.


Afterwards, there will be a wake at Brondesbury Cricket, Tennis and Squash Club, which is at 5A Harman Drive, London NW2 2EB.


If you plan to attend, please email Richard Chapman so that numbers can be passed on to Robin's sister, April and brother, Neil.




We are delighted to announce that Hampstead & Westminster has now partnered with Hawkinsport & Adidas for all of our club playing and casual kit. The dedicated HWHC kit page is just being finalised and can be found here. We have finalised our new arrangement in the last few weeks and as such all orders placed in the next couple of weeks will be delivered by the end of September. Following this set up period, the lovely new kit will be available on a 1 week delivery notice.”

For help with sizing, see our Kit Size Guide.



Club Day – Saturday 19th August

Annual Club Day 2016 - London Hockey Club mix tournament

The legendary HWHC Club Day is fast approaching.

Club Day is every HWHC player's dream day! A mixture of playing hockey, watching some top hockey and drinking an inappropriate amount of alcohol.

For just £15 the day will consist of 7-a-side tournaments throughout the morning and early afternoon, lunch plus a drink included and at 3pm we'll cheer on the M1s who will be playing on the water pitch. During the day there will be a surprise fundraising challenge for an extra £5.  

Then onto the Warrington for the evening!

Your captains will be in touch soon to get your attendance. Please help them and our Social Jedis out by confirming your attendance asap!


Where - Paddington Recreational Ground 

When - Saturday 19th August 10:30am - till late

Cost - Please bring £15 and £5 for the challenge 

What you need - hockey kit, stick and your A game

See you there!!



Harry Martin joins HWHC

We are delighted to announce Great Britain international Harry Martin as our first signing of the summer for the Men's 1s as we look to better our top 4 finish last season.

Midfielder Harry made his full international debut for GB when he was just 17 years old and at still only 24 has already represented GB in two Olympics, won Commonwealth Games and Hockey World League Bronze medals in 2014, racking up a remarkable 151 caps and 13 goals for England and GB to date. In 2012, Harry was shortlisted for the FIH World Young Player of the Year Award. Harry is currently with England at Lee Valley for the Hockey World League Semi-Finals taking place in London for the next two weeks - tickets still available if you want to cheer the boys on!

Harry joins us after a successful season playing for Rotterdam in the Netherlands, helping them to second place in the league and having previously helped Beeston to two Premier League titles. He's also not just good with a stick and ball, he has a first class economics degree from the University of Nottingham.

On joining Hampstead and Westminster Harry said "After a fantastic year in Rotterdam, I'm delighted to be joining Hampstead & Westminster. The club is in an exciting place following last season and shares my ambitions of domestic and European success. Being coached by Kwan is a great opportunity to develop my game and I want to pick up as much as I can from him. There is also a strong emphasis on having fun both on and off the pitch, which is important to me and there seems to be a really social environment around the club as whole."

After a successful season last year for our Men's 1s which culminated in the League Finals weekend for the first time in our history, the squad is relatively unchanged. Harry’s addition to the club not only brings his exceptional talent, but also his invaluable experience of big game situations. The team is already looking forward to the new season and the addition of a few more new faces will help us to push for the National Premier League title.

We are real excited to see Harry pull on the blue and white stripes and look forward to working with him in his continued development through to the next Olympics and beyond.

Check out this little beauty Harry stuck in for Rotterdam last year.

5-1 Harry Martin v Qui Vive

Een van de 9 doelpunten tegen Qui Vive Heren 1 werd gescoord door Harry Martin, die eerst nog even twee verdedigers het bos in stuurde!

Posted by Rotterdam Heren 1 on Monday, 27 March 2017