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Match Reports – 16.09.17

Super Vets 16.09.17

The super vets opened their seasonal account with storming 5–3 win over Eastcote.

Sorry to miss a number of SV regulars, nevertheless our tails were up at the presence of a number of vets. Turns out the same was true for the Opo so a good game was on.

In true SV style, the forwards played a semi-separate game upfront, with Oz, Peter T and Saxby moving the ball and, on occasion, themselves to good effect. A classic narrow angle from Saxby paved his way towards the Hatrick. Good striking from Oz gave him a couple of goals, And the combinations were excellent.

From the back, distribution from Dixon – fresh from his goal medal winning efforts in the Euros – was first class. Greg, John Mason, Charles, Mike sucked up a good deal of pressure; though poor control led to Eastcote grabbing a couple of goals, keeping themselves in the game. Jim J held the line align well between the sticks.

The Grand Canyon of the midfield, another super vets feature, was able patrolled by Chapman, James J, Mark Gration and the new half captain.

End to end stuff, close for a moment at 4-3. But a final goal to seal the hat-trick from Saxby gave sufficient breathing space.

Excellent ball movement, lots of chat and a whole bunch of fun all round the pitch. MOM to Saxby for Hatrick, honourable mentions for Dixon, Jim and Brooksie. And Saxby took dick of the day to, though know one could quite work out why.

Plus the unusual sight of an SV mass warm down. Whatever next? Training perhaps?

 - Charles Packe


Thirsts 16.09.17


The THIRSTS opened their season with a win at Pad Rec, going down to an early goal and turning over their opposition by seven goals to one. 

With a group of young (and not as young) men, who are all fit for the future, our captain Dom set expectations high as he drilled pre match tactics to the team. The quick warm up on the tiger turf made us more than ready… but this translated into a disappointingly slow start. A  blind pass by LB Graham got picked up by the oppo forward who made easy work in creating a pressured situation out of nothing to ultimately get the better of GK Paddy and put them up a goal within the early breathes of the game.

In shock, the Thirsts picked themselves up and through the midfield force of Boud, Carl and James began to dominate the field and make multiple attacks that saw high volume circle penetration by wingers Nikolai and Adam. 

It was captain Dom who led the way picking up a pass to smash the ball past the Academicals GK and level the score. It seemed like seconds later that Dom was again on the end of the same well placed pass this time the keeper rebounding the shot to James who composed himself to flick the ball off the top bar and into the net making it 2-1. 

At this point we began to win the mental, physical and tactical game - our better passing, communication and movement resulted in a tidy team performance all round.  At the back Brownie, Piran and Arnoud were blocking any attempt of attack, quickly turning over the ball to create a lethal break that saw Dom convert another to make a great all round team goal. 

At our second short corner Boud took a straight strike at goal for a ball to be deflected out to injector Hammo who carefully picked out Dom (video referral awaited at time of writing) for another finish making it 4-1 by half time. 

For the second half we just had to keep doing the same thing… and we did. Our confidence grew with Issac, Ewan, James and Nikolai all running the show, bouncing off Boud’s passes to take the ball down and round the wings.   

At this point things got a little stressy for the opposition with Boud having to defend himself for apparently taking the game too seriously and Nikolai having to face-off against two of the guys who were failing to try and mark him. 

We made the cracks worse thanks to Adam running down the oppo defence with his superior fitness to help Dom find acres of space and easily make it 5-1 which was soon followed by Ewan who was also found uncontested on the missing flick spot and chipped the ball cheekily over the oncoming keeper and high into the net. 

The final insult was inflicted by captain Dom who topped the day with our seventh goal again from a huge amount of space opened up by Nikolai and Issac, as he rounded the keeper and put it home safely. 

If it had not been for a questionably timed final whistle Dom may yet of had another goal, everyone knew it had been a good day at the office and we now sit the top of the table - for this week and hopefully many more to come.

Special mentions go to Hammo for making some great calls whilst not being able to convert the corresponding receive of pass, for Paddy who saved one and let one in and the oppo who had a median age of 21 yet ran out of steam after ten minutes when Boud did a special Dutch styled Indian dribble lapping the whole team twice from our 23m to their D. 

Thank you to our umpires and to the opposition for the game. 

 - Carl Allen


L7s Friendly 16.09.17

HWHC L7's had a great first match back with a friendly. Despite a 4-1 loss against West Hampstead 5’s (a division above us, mind you), the team held their own and showed a promising start to the season.

During the first half we had about 20 shots at goal, failing to convert all of them. (We pride ourselves on our consistency at least!) Our defence held their own in the absence of a goalie but West Hampstead scored 2 goals.

The second half, Greasley made up for her earlier not so elegant tumble with a cracking goal, assisted by Fi – who also managed to whack the oppo in the thigh with her stick. West Hampstead scored 2 more goals in the second half – one of which the umpire admitted was not actually a goal but we allowed this given that it was a friendly! ahem....

The ladies 7s welcomed 3 new players this week. Ella showed massive promise with some cracking defensive clears, Jenny was always there to help her teammates out of trouble, and Amy held her own on the wing – thankfully upgrading to an adult stick after an accidental amazon purchase of a kids stick!

Kim (and her feet) along with Immy won joint MOM for being everywhere! We can't not mention Immy's impressive air hits pre-match (LOL), but what an excellent first match as captain!

Our DODs were Greasley for a crippling fall of her own making (she’ll realise she’s getting old soon) and Fi for taking out the oppo and not giving two shits. 

Special mention to Katie for completing a 10k run before heading to the match (quite a change from the hungover or still quite drunk Katie we all know and love). Also a special mention to Emma for believing Greasley that the car park gate would open if she got out of the car and bounced up and down in front of it. Haha.

Bring on the new season

 - Jess Sykes


Spaniards 16.09.17

After the tough end to last season, Sanjay and Ruben have set up a simple get-rich quick scheme: spread bet their life savings on a terrible season from the Spaniards, feign injury, and rake in the cash. All started predictably and brilliantly, with HWHC men's 42nd team (or whatever we are these days) leaking an early goal, and paving the well-worn path to total capitulation. The first touches from some of our players were heavy, misguided and thoughtless - right on the money.

But by 70 minutes, disaster! A comeback 3-1 win, and the first step to potential financial ruin. Ruben and Sanj left the pitch muttering about how to ensure a hard Brexit, to ensure the deportation of our over-performing Europeans.

MVP Kyle

DoD Kyle

New joiner pint downing times: David 13:67, Kyle 8:41

 - Ed


M2s 16.09.17 

The reigning champions entered Saturday’s game full of zest, arrogance and a distinct lack of playing kit. Thanks to one Matt ‘Persil’ Guise-Brown, things were resolved quickly and play could resume.

A preseason result of 5-5 against Teddington wasn’t to be forgotten. The plan? Assert dominance early. Unfortunately that message wasn’t delivered to the team obviously with the entire midfield (save for Will ‘The Marking Naylor’ Devitt) playing a brand of hockey similar to the Scottish U13 Regional team – non-existent.

The reason for that is apparent – the midfield had all started to mark but were clearly thrown by the whole concept. It is no surprise that Will ‘RIP Eminem’ Naylor’s departure had coincided with the current attitude of midfielders marking.

Corners have always been the strong point of the 2s and the first goal was no exception. After weeks of practice, the lads were able to intentionally place the oppo’s foot on the goal line to secure a flick. 1-0.

As is a theme with the lads in blue and white -‘we want to challenge ourselves’. On cue, Teddy returned fire within minutes. 1-1. It is at this moment their ever exuberant captain has screamed ‘just as we planned lads’. Giggles were heard from the crowd.

A reasonable half by the defensive unit, with Tom ‘The Better Captain’ Woolven and Michael ‘Fire’ Newman cleaning up most of the toilet that the blokes in pink threw our way.

After Neil ‘Teddy’s MoM’ Hammond had given the lads a stirring speech consisting of negativity and nothing at all specific to the game, the lads turned the screws. Kyle ‘First choice flicker’ White turned up finally and scored 2 after playing football the first half. Stephen ‘Silk Hands’ Cant was on the receiving end of one of the finest passes you’ll see in modern history (shoutout to Charlie ‘Allergic to Goals’ Young) to also get on the scoreboard. Bang, bang, bang and the lads had gone up 4-1, looking more like the team that they are – shit hot good.

A final goal to Mr Devitt put the game out of reach. 5-1 victors after an average performance. Faint bells for future oppo can be heard.

MoM – Kyle White

DoD – Neil Hammond

Play of the day – Paolo ‘Despasito’ Cane at the Warrington. Man is dangerous.

- James Chaffey


Zaks 16.09.17

And so the most important season ever at least since last season and certainly until next season kicks off this year like every year against Tulse Hill & Dulwich HC and ends in a draw just like every year and the summer recruitment is hard this year just like every year and just like every year we explain that it roughly translates to something about a dog and a sack and yet the team-sheet of the third team is not fulfilled even though some people only want to play for the third team or otherwise shall leave for a club maybe in South Division One or maybe Surrey Prem rather than play with the Zak Hond and if that is your thing then by all means go for it but if not then by all means join the Zak Hond and this is Hans and Hans shot first and Hans scored and are those numbers printed too small or is Hans just bigger than a normal human and then Mikey scored the second for he is the captain and all was well with the Zak Hond and God saw everything that he had made and behold it was very good and yet it was still too early for it to be over &d so Anders entered a literal and metaphorical spiral of despair since none should endeavour to beat their man inside their own bottom left hand corner with a spin and just put your stick through it son and we promulgate the myth that it was due to him neglecting to shower before the game and only blow dry his magnificent lid and that because Anders hast not showered and only blow dried he art cursed above all cattle and above every beast of the field although not all the Zak Hond should be classed as a beast since some are thin of arm and short of hair and Doddsy declined to shout at Anders because he knew Anders already knew he had bollocksed it up or at least he thinks he knew he had bollocksed it up since even Jacob shouted at him and Jacob who is not the son of Isaac and the twin brother of Esau but is in fact a cartoon character called Theodore J Dettweiler and is make-believe and anyway if he didn’t realise that he had bollocksed it up then he found out after the game seeing as he received 6 out of 11 possible dick of the day votes and all was well since Patrick the Swiss international indoor veteran made it 3-1 and that did lull the Zaks into a false sense of security for no man having drunk old wine straightway desireth new for he saith the old is better and when the seventy minutes were almost ended there were two more goals from Tulse Hill and Dulwich since the umpire had foreseen it and had predestined it and moreover the arbiter who is the same one that we have every year chose Goodsey who is not be confused with Doodsey who he did predestinate to the half-way line for breaking early at the pushing of the injection even though it was two separate movements he did not condemneth the injector according to rule 13.7 part b of the FIH rules of hockey from January 1st 2017 “the player taking the push or hit from the back line feints at playing the ball the offending player is required to go beyond the centre line but is replaced by another attacker” and there endeth the lesson and there endeth the match and yet is an end also a beginning and even an end has a start for it can taketh up to 40 minutes to travel by foot to the Tulse Hill & Dulwich club house if one does not consult with Google Maps and hark! Hans wore matching Adidas zip top and bottoms in the manner of Ian Brown of the Stone Roses even though he was not acquainted with this man owing to him being from Germany and still quite young and eventually they were sick with what seemed like divers diseases but in fact they had drunk the fermentation of wheat and realised that there existed 8 varieties of Bee due to Macca’s wisdom even though it came to pass that they were all of one language and one speech despite being of divers nationalities and it is worth relating that Christophe was man of the match even if he was recognised only as the “one with the beard” by the opposition and next week we have a week off but after that god willing we will prevail amen.

- Groundsy